Being in a relationship means looking out for each other. It involves love, concern and also the need to be together. What it does not require is ego.

I have come across couples who get into relationship, they keep bickering and fighting, keep waiting for the other to change and wanting the self to be accepted as he/she is. That is, “you change, I will not. The relationship will improve only if you change”. This attitude is sure to kill the relationship.

There will be fights, after all two people with different perceptions, attitudes, personalities, etc are planning to be together. But how to handle these differences, forms the key. No one person can claim to be right and the other wrong. They are different.

One couple came for counseling. It is pre-marital, and they have been quarreling for long. Their relationship is not moving forward because of ego issues. That is as long as the girl was willing to toe the line, things were fine. But when she started to show her annoyance, things are turning sour.  Each wants the other to change, and each says his/her behavior is the result of the other’s behavior.

Now are they willing to change their present behavior?  One is willing to try, the other does not consider the behavior to be wrong, so why change?  And this change can happen only if other changes, is the refrain. This person is not willing to change for self, is only willing to blame the other partner for fights.

There can be no ego if the relationship has to move forward. Once you are mature, you will learn to communicate properly and make sure the conflicts are resolved. But if you too insist on fighting back, dismissing the other’s viewpoint, if your thoughts and words have nothing to do with your behavior, then you have problem. One person was spouting all beautiful philosophy. How an ideal relationship should be, but the behavior was typically egoistic. The relationship does not move anywhere, will it survive is also a question mark.

In spite of all fights, if one partner decides to stick on and accept the relationship, how long will this decision last?  Only when the girl started to object to the directions of her boy-friend, troubles started to come in. If she wanted to hang on, then she had the option of allowing things to continue as they are. But obviously she too is chafing at his behavior, though she does not want to. That is nature, you will accept things that are not generally acceptable, only for some time. Till your patience lasts.

There is the general ego trip of I am right, or I am ok, you are not. This makes the person arrogant, dismissal of others emotions, and the need to ram down his/her opinion down the other’s throat. There is no mirroring of the other’s emotions, no validation of the other’s feelings, no listening without any barriers.

When such attitude exists, then the communication gets flawed, the message does not come across. There is mixed signals being sent, and this leads to arguments. Sometimes a word gets another meaning and the whole issue changes direction. The need here would be to clarify the communication. Not jump to conclusion and tear out each other’s throat.

When one feels hurt, the ego waits to take revenge. And when the revenge happens, the avenger feels vindicated, the so called victim gets ready to inflict further hurts. Where does this end?  Who calls and end to this?  Should the woman give in because a man is naturally superior?   And who decides who is superior? 

How can the aspect of inferior and superior come in, when a love relationship is among equals? There are still relationships where the guy feels he is superior to his girl.  They will be equal in all terms, only different in forms of gender. So who is superior, why is the other person inferior?

Unless the ego takes a back seat, no discussion can happen. A relationship requires dialogue, only a dialogue leads to solutions that are acceptable to both. Both have to understand that ego is not taking the person forward. The relationship is suffering, and so it behoves to change.

Self respect should be there, this will make sure no abuse or control through domination occurs. But the ego should not be allowed to raise its head. Otherwise there will be acrimonious relationship and things can go from bad to worse.

(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5)

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