A young girl came to me with a very peculiar problem. She is married and says her marital home is very good, the family all love her. Her only problem seems to be her mother-in-law. When she said this, I went, “A aha”!

But her problem is not the usual kind. Her husband’s parents are well educated, very upper class and have good social standing. In fact the elders are looked upon by the extended family for guidance and support.

This young woman is working and so she does not have much time to devote to her marital home chores. Her mother-in-law is not disturbed by this. In fact the older lady says she prefers to handle the chores by herself, since she is still young. This suits the young woman very well.

The young woman has all her comforts taken care of. Her husband is very loving, but the kind who listens to his parents and does not want to hurt their feelings. So he follows their instructions, even when he finds it irritating.

The problem is the mother-in-law is very fond of this young woman. This young girl is very beautiful, very dutiful and has a very soft manner. The elderly lady hovers over the young girl, and wants to spend a lot of time with her. It is like this lady has got a new toy, she wants to have it all for herself.

Normally the young girl does not mind. But of late she feels the older lady is crossing boundaries. She insists on the young girl spending all her free time with her. She wants her daughter-in-law to accompany her to temples, meet her friends. She wants to show off her daughter-in-law.

The young woman has started to feel constricted. She requested her husband to speak to his mother, but he feels his mother will get upset. After all she is showering love, not abuse.

This mother-in-law has started to organize get together on the days her daughter-in-law has holiday, she insists the young girl to take off from work and accompany her on outstation temple trips. Initially the young woman did as she was asked, but now she is getting annoyed. She seems to be a very easy going type, but now she came across as very upset and irritated. Her patience is wearing thin.

I asked her if she could not convey her inability to fall in with all the older lady’s plans?  Could she not have a frank chat with her, tell her she is not overly fond of going to temples?  She could let her mother-in-law know she prefers to spend some of her free time in other ways.

But this girl is not so sure that lady will accept. She also knows the older lady is not being vindictive or abusive, she seems to be starved for female company. So she does not want to really upset her. Then I told her she will have to put up with this behavior. She said she was not willing to do it anymore.

This young woman has two options. She can ask her husband to tackle his mother. That would be ideal, since there will be less chance of misunderstanding happening. He can tell his mother his wife is not very religious minded, also she has other interests to occupy her time. He can have a chat with his mother, and she need not be embarrassed, since her son is doing the talking.

The other option would be, the young girl could list out the activities she likes doing with her mother-in-law. Also make a list of activities she wouldn’t mind doing once in a while with the lady. And a list of activites she is not prepared to do, what are the other activities she prefers to catch up on, when she is not available, when she does not want to be disturbed. She has to set her boundaries, she is entitled to some privacy.

The young woman told me getting her husband to talk is out of question. So she will have to think on the second option. She told me she had tried a couple of times to object to her mother-in-law’s plans, but that lady had gone all sentimental, and was very hurt. She created quite a scene, so she wanted to know how to tackle that.

It was pointed out to her that when she declines some activity, she has to do it firmly. Not be rude, but be assertive. Not  to leave any room for discussion. And if things turn dicey, she was advised to leave the room. And when she says no, it has to be a no. She should not allow any manipulation taking place. If she gives in once, then she will not be taken seriously again.

The mother-in-law would be hurt, she will try to magnify her hurt. But she has to learn that the young woman needs her space. She cannot be crowded upon always. The mother-in-law believes in enmeshed style of family, but it does not suit all people.

Maybe she did not realize the problems she was creating. She has to be told and made to understand. She had kept herself busy before this young girl came into her family, she has to learn to carry on as before. There can be activities her daughter-in-law will be willing to participate in. But it should not be imposed on and she cannot expect the young girl to fulful all her expectations.

I hope the young woman is able to establish some space for herself. Her husband should understand he can make things easier for his wife and at the same time his mother is not too upset. It is better to clarify things than keep quiet and stew. That does not help anyone.

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