A young lady wrote to me saying that her husband is not interested in her and was barely spending time with her. She is understandably hurt and upset. I fully empathized with her. It can be very stressful when your life partner does not give you any time.

We got to discussing her lifestyle, what she did and what she was used to doing. Also the fact that her husband is into business, so apparently did not come home early. During the course of various emails, I found out she is well educated and comes from a loving family. She had expectations of love and romance, where as he turned out to be very busy and unable or unwilling to come home early.

Why should a red blooded man not want to spend time with his wife?  Surely he could find someone to  mind his business for him, and leave for home early? Or he does not work on weekends and takes his wife out. However late he comes in, if his wife is awake, then he can spend at least ten to fifteen minutes chatting with her.

He can inquire about her day, allow her to chatter, since most women like doing it and then retire for the night. His wife will also appreciate his gesture, understand his inability to spend more time with her and there could be no problems. But since this was not happening, there is one frustrated wife there.

Whatever the behavior she was exhibiting under the circumstances was obviously not helping her. She had to see how to grab his attention, keep herself busy during the day so as not to feel so depressed and raise his curiosity in her. She has to make things interesting for him to want to come home early. She is young, she can be creative.

Another young lady had written to say her in-laws were torturing her and she did not know what to do. Here too this young woman is educated and can think for herself, but was being controlled by the situation.

When you find yourself in a situation that is repeating itself without any resolution, then you have to examine your behavior and your attitude. If you analyze your behavior and see that it is not helping in any way, then it makes sense to respond in another way.  Change your behavior and see if you can resolve the issue. Try and be creative and change the way you think and feel. Your behavior will automatically change.

In a relationship if the way you respond is not helping the relationship to mend, then you have to change your behavior pattern. But for this you must be willing to analyze your behavior and be willing to change it. It is not that your behavior is not right, it is not suited for that particular situation or relationship problem. Step aside and change tactics.

One young woman was always being thrashed by her husband. He is huge, she is waif like. She would get beaten and had no way of defending herself. One day, when he raised his hand at her, she just jumped and hugged him tight. He was taken aback and did not hit her. He soon mended his ways, and stopped the beating altogether.

You have to examine the issue keeping your behavior in mind. Not look at the other person’s behavior and expect that person to change. Are you reacting or are you responding? Is your response helping or hindering?  Are you doing the same thing, over and over again?  Are you blaming the other person, situation and feeling sorry for yourself?  Do you feel there is no point in doing anything, anyway it will turn negative? 

When you are upset, you cannot think right. So at that point of time, do not take any decision. Later, when you have calmed down, think if a change in your thinking, belief and behavior will help to handle the situation. You must be willing to change, look for alternatives and how to solve the issues. Not feel the other person should change, only then things will improve.

One lady wanted to bring some zing into her marriage. But apparently her husband was not the spontaneous type of person. He was willing to go along with her ideas, but he would not initiate. She was upset and expected him to change. I wanted to know why?  She wanted to try out new things, she could plan and enjoy them. It was not mandatory for only the man to take the initiative always. After all marriage is all about equal partnership! So even a wife can take the lead. Waiting for her husband to be proactive would lead to her waiting and not enjoying. Was she willing to do this?  Enjoyment is the goal, so how does it matter who initiates? 

Another lady wrote to say her husband is very supportive, but she was having problems with one particular in-law. She was facing interference from this person and was getting vexed. I suggested she be assertive and let this person know about boundaries. And walk away when an argument starts. Right now the way she was handling was not helping to resolve the situation. She was getting frustrated and the other person was not withdrawing. A change in her attitude could do the difference. If this change did not work, she would have to think of something else.

It is always a trial and error method. One set of behavior would have helped in one situation, it need not be helpful in the same situation another time. One has to constantly evolve, be fluid and be open to changes.

Being proactive and responding positively is better than being reactive. By reacting you do not achieve anything, in fact the situation or the relationship can turn sour. If you feel your emotions or feelings are  overwhelming, then withdraw, gain control and after you are sufficiently calm, take a decision. The decision can turn out wrong, after all no one is God. Learn from the mistake, and move ahead.

Do not have a set of rigid behaviors. If you respond in the same manner in all situations, you may not achieve much in life. People will label you as being rigid and unbending. You will miss out on so many different experiences. Be willing to change, be proactive and enjoy all new experiences.

Do not expect change from others. It is your life, learn to enjoy it and not allow someone else to dictate you your happiness. Do not get into the blame game, see how you can creatively respond. Life will turn out more eventful and you will have a healthy internal growth. And being proactive will bring about the change you have been looking forward to.

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