I received two recent cases where the wives felt neglected. Both complained of lack of time and interest from their husbands. And this is happening after the children are on the scene. The children are young and there is problem of less bonding.
The issues can be manifold here. From the wife’s point of view, she may be tired after the childbirth and the care of the child. If she does not have help with caring for the child, if she is also working, then she is bound to be tired. And this does not help in furthering the bond.
And from the husband’s point of view, either he resents the child because the child has taken center-stage, or feels his wife is neglecting him, without realizing her share of the work load is more.
Or he may feel his wife is tired, she needs rest and so he stays away from any kind of bonding. He feels if he demands time and sharing from her, he will be branded as selfish. He subdues his feelings and tries to accommodate his wife and her health. So in essence, they are feeling the vacuum but are not knowing how to go about filling it. Just talking to each other will clear the issue.
One lady felt her husband had no interest in her. They have major arguments and she is very unhappy. Now this situation will not add to the marital bond. Here again the problem is lack of communication. Any attempts at change can come about only when both sit and talk and discuss their problems.
The marital setup changes when a child comes in. Priorities shift and the additional responsibility can lead to either depression, (post-partum depression) or frayed tempers. However well prepared a couple is, however eagerly the couple awaits the arrival, when the child actually arrives, the whole routine gets upset. There is loss of sleep, fears when the child falls ill, tempers are frayed, and it takes time for the child to settle into a routine.
A child can make constant demand on the mother and every new mother is obsessed with the comfort of her child. She has an extra sense when it comes to hearing her child. This actually makes her neglect her marriage and that can lead to an upset husband.
The father can pitch in and help in caring for the child. This will give the mother the much needed rest and she is less tired. The ideal thing would be to get help with caring for the child. Parents from either side can be requested to help or professional help can be acquired.
This is a much better way of making sure the child is well cared for and the couple also have time for each other. The baby or babies is not the only important issue in a marriage. The bonding between the couple is also important. And this can happen when the couple take stock of the situation and arrive at decisions that are acceptable for both.
Physically the woman goes out of shape. She has to try and regain her former physical self. This will make her happy as well as her husband. Both of them must make an effort to regain their romance and their intimacy.
Marriage is a joint venture, so at every stage, the changes have to be accepted by both the partners and both have to contribute to making the bond stronger. It is not that one person puts in the effort, and the other just follows suit.
Open communication will help in keeping things in perspective. A woman may want sex, she may want to feel desirable again. But she may keep quiet, expecting her husband to understand her feelings. But that need not be so. He on the other hand may not want to disturb her and will keep his frustrations with him. It will come out in other forms and there could be daily arguments. Only talking about each other’s feelings will clear the air.
Not many are comfortable with talking about their feelings. Most hope their partners will understand or will be thought readers. But that is not always possible. It is good to talk, at least there will be no misunderstanding. You can make your unhappiness clear, and the solution can be actually simple.
You are going to spend thirty to forty years together. Why not be open and set each other’s mind at rest? Why assume things and make matters worse? Bring more meaning into togetherness and instead of looking for faults, look and think how you can make your relationship more richer and vibrant.
You have to work at your marriage, otherwise either frustrations will set in or the relationship will drift and you will sink into a lethargy. You will see no point in it, but you will also not want to ruffle your comfort zone. That is no way to treat your marriage, a relationship that will last longer than any other. Marriage is also a relationship that brings in a completeness to a person.
When the yin and the yang combine, it leads to a complete form. Yin-yang are always equal, when one disappears, the other too will. And this combination is dynamic. But only when they are combined, they are complete. They form a whole.
I have given both the ladies tips to rejuvenate their relationships. Hope they benefit from them.