Push the hot buttons, lose your peace
Hurting someone may win you an argument, but you could end up losing the relationship. If your partner has no option but be with you, you need not feel victorious. The health of the relationship will not be good, and you will not grow or benefit. Each spouse must want to be in the relationship.
Creativity comes from a conflict of ideas. Donatela Versece.
In a relationship, conflicts are inevitable since two different people are in the relationship. Different people means different ideas, perception, viewpoints, attitude, beliefs, values, etc. These conflicts, as long as they remain in the healthy zone, can actually lead to both the partners growing. Different viewpoints actually opens up the perception zone and so that can only be good.
Conflicts or healthy arguments need to be welcomed, but there are rules which keep them in the healthy zone. One needs to make sure threats and harsh words are not used. It is not a do or die situation, so you do not have to go at it with the idea, “I must win,” or “I am right”. These will lead to deterioration of the relationship. Can you imagine interacting with someone who has this attitude?
When you know your partner has a sensitive spot, hitting it often to win an argument is unhealthy. It speaks ill of your ethics and integrity. Your partner can have many weak spots in personality or have some weak spots in the family. Once you have accepted the person and his/her family, then you need to keep off these weak areas.
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. Indira Gandhi.
One young lady got married after informing her spouse’s family about her sibling who has a mental challenge. This fact was accepted, but in a messy fight, the spouse brought up this issue. He claimed he had sacrificed his life to help her to take care of her sibling. Now her sibling is not his responsibility, her parents are taking care of the person and provisions have been made for the future. Even if no provision is there, after knowing the fact and then marrying her, he should have kept off this area. He did not, this young lady is terribly upset. She had been waiting for a person who would accept her sibling, and finally married this young man because he and his family assured her that they too would help in taking care of her sibling.
She did not expect any care, but certainly did not expect this insult too. He had pushed her hot button, she has walked out.
Another family, the wife would bring up the issue of the husband’s parent recovering from a prolonged illness. She would be insulting about it, and this upset the husband. He would scream, yell at her for being so insensitive. She knew all she had to do was bring up this issue, and her husband would start to scream. She would walk away, having won the argument.
The husband was helped in making his hot button into a cold one. He said he would try out the change, and then get back with results.
In the first flush of marriage, mostly young couples confide a lot into each other. The need to be honest, true, sharing, no secrets, etc makes them bare their souls. You do not know your partner well, you need to be a little discreet with information about your family. Not hide any major information, but confide after gaining trust. Is your partner trustworthy, will he/she respect your serious information and not use it to threaten or subdue you? You need to first understand each other before you share completely.
What happens when your partner uses some sensitive information of yours? When he/she shares that with someone else, throws it in your face during an argument? What will you do?
You have the option of moving away, stating very firmly you do not appreciate such discussion, request the person not to use the information again; basically use assertive communication style. Your partner may not have the same ethics as you. Learn to adapt and try to keep conflicts to a minimum.
Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means. Ronald Reagan
While handling conflicts, learn to look for solutions that are win-win. Keep hammering out options till you arrive at that one which is acceptable to you both. The giver and the taker in both of you need to be attended to. Otherwise the relationship will not be healthy.
Hurting someone may win you an argument, but you could end up losing the relationship. If your partner has no option but be with you, you need not feel victorious. The health of the relationship will not be good, and you will not grow or benefit. Each spouse must want to be in the relationship. If the relationship is based on a need, the quality will suffer.
Be a friend, be accommodating, be accepting and learn to respect your partner. Do not yield to the temptation of pushing hot buttons. There is so much to achieve in life, there is so much to weather. Having a companion by your side, one who wants to be with you, can make life exhilarating.