A young couple, married for five years, revealed they hardly spoke to each other. Face to face conversations were few and far between; phone conversations were nil. How can the marital connect stay alive when there is no verbal connect?
I have written about cold, warm and hot communication between spouses. Both cold and hot will damage the relationship. Cold means there is no connect; even roommates converse more. Hot communication can lead to abuse and unpleasant consequences.
Warm communication is required among people, more so between spouses. You have been married for a purpose. To form a healthy union, to raise a family and to contribute together to the betterment of society. So communication is an integral part of the union.
When you see your spouse, drop everything you are doing and greet him/her warmly. It need be only a couple of minutes. But show the genuine love and warmth you feel towards him/her. This does a lot towards making the relationship meaningful.
You could be busy on the phone, laptop, cooking, putting the child to sleep, or going over some important papers. When you see your spouse, forget everything and greet him/her with a smile. It need not be a very verbose greeting, even mouthing a Hi with a huge smile can make a world of difference to the spouse. It just shows how happy you are to see him/her. This greeting need not be only when your spouse walks in the door from outside. Even from inside the house, from another room to the one you are in, you can greet your spouse.
Those seconds of eye contact can lead to warmth, a feeling of being loved and appreciated and you also get to re-establish the connect that was formed when you got married. Start small, maybe once a day. Build it up and see the difference it makes to your spouse’s behavior and your marriage.
One cannot claim one is unable to converse. You are able to talk to your family and friends. Your friends were formed later in life. If you can talk to them, you can talk to your spouse. If you are groping for words, look for them. In greeting cards, in romantic poems/songs/dialogues, etc. Love words are there all around us. It just needs a moment’s attention. And why feel shy of showing love to your spouse? He/she is your life partner, who will come all the way on your life’s journey. Other family members will take diversions, not your spouse.
Sometimes silence too can talk. Easy, companionable silence too leads to connect. But being silent with each other most of the time, does not lead to connect. One of the ways of enriching and enforcing the connect is communication. You do not have to keep discussing the on going cold war between the two Korean countries or even how good/bad the government is doing. Though these are good topics to get facts right and to pass time!
Start small. Have everyday conversations, share all that happened during the day. It is not that your day was uneventful. You received mail, your neighbor borrowed sugar, you had a call from a friend, your child fell and scraped his knee, a new colleague joined your office, the colleague next to you was wearing a new dress/accessory/or had a new mobile phone. You could discuss the features, if your spouse is interested.
Go for walks, shopping or even on social visits. You get enough material for talking and discussing. You could visit a play, watch a movie/serial/cricket match. You can talk non-stop!
Just as physical connect is important in a marriage, so is verbal connect. Encouraging/motivating/appreciative and love words all add to the weight. Go ahead, build your connect and see how your relationship blooms.