A young girl wants to lead a life on her own terms. She does not want any restrictions placed on her, she does not think it is necessary to follow age old customs, she wants a life of freedom. Now what is freedom, she is unable to really explain.
She wants to get married, but to a person who will accept her for what she is. This person must not interfere with her freedom, which also includes not having children. She feels a woman need not be duty bound to have children. This is expected of a woman, she resents it. Does she resent the traditional role of a mother or she does not want to have children at all, is not clear.
Will she get a person who will understand her and allow her to be? She feels life in a metro is more fun, and she wants to reach great heights in a profession. She is not working, has not worked for sometime. Is she daydreaming? Is she being idealistic, will reality be too much for her to handle?
What she needs to understand is if she is passionate about a certain lifestyle, she needs to be ready to give up something else for it. Every dream comes with a price. If you wish to climb the corporate ladder and touch the sky, then you must be prepared for less family time and leisure. Yes, a supportive family will work wonders, but personally you will have to give up something.
One young lady wanted to undergo specialized training. It meant she had to give up twelve Sundays for it. She is young, just finished her college. Her friends were furious with her, she is not available for them during weekends. She was steadfast in her endeavor, and completed her course. She is happy, because she realizes this course has prepared her for a job of her choice. She feels her friends have lost out on the knowledge she has acquired. So she was prepared to sacrifice outings and fun with her friends to attend this class.
Similarly, when you pursue some dream or a need, you may need to give up something. It is a choice you will have to make. In present scenario, to lead a carefree life without any responsibilities or rules, would mean you go it alone. Relationships can happen, but the risk is they may not be permanent.
I suggested to this lady to first define freedom, analyze if she could find some measure of happiness and fulfillment in a marriage and then decide whether to marry or not. Every phase of life has its own stress, they need to be resolved before moving to the next phase. Refusal to handle the responsibilities of each phase will not help in becoming mature. Life will march on, but you will not grow as a person. This lady’s adult ego state seems to be contaminated by her child ego state.
One needs to be realistic. Certain compromises and adjustments have to be made to retain relationships and find happiness. What joy you get in a marital relationship will not be found if you stay single. The sense of freedom you get as a single person may not be there when you enter a marital relationship. Now you have to decide which is priority, and decide accordingly. You also need to understand these are state of mind.
To be a mother a lady must be prepared to lose sleep, have erratic schedules, stress and moments of despair. But there is also a sense of awe, fulfillment, overwhelming love and happiness. The responsibilities could be overwhelming at times, or the stress when a child falls ill could be killing. But no mother will genuinely wish she did not have a child. Maybe she may not go in for a second one, but nothing will induce her to trade in her child. So she will accept her days of lost sleep, the gut wrenching pain when some danger befalls her child and also the mood swings. Just a look at her child’s face will melt away all her worries.
Similarly a marriage will look very inviting from outside. The couple would make a terrific pair and would be the envy of most people. The marriage could truly be great. But it will be because the couple have worked on it. Now you can want a similar marriage where your equation is great. But are you willing to put in the effort? Because nothing comes without a price.
Ultimately it depends on how passionate you are in what you want. Are you prepared to give up anything to achieve your want? Or are you willing to accept what life throws at you, find your individuality in it and keep growing as a person? Are you willing to accept challenges, work to find your balance and turn it into an achievement?
What this young lady needs to understand is that freedom without license can bring its own issues. You can be truly free yet work within boundaries. Most of the rules and customs also bring safety and security, while allowing you to grow. The trick is the find your balance and not get pulled either way.
But that requires a fine balancing act; are you up to it? You could miss a step sometimes, but that is life. You feel things are going smoothly and then suddenly you come up against an unexpected curve. If you take all these unexpected curves into your stride, learn from them, and move ahead, you can be happy.
You can lead a life of lotus eaters, but you will not know if any other dish is tasty or not. You can limit yourself, or leave your comfort zone and venture forth. Dealing with challenges gives you strength. You could be uncomfortable for sometime, but the rewards could be worth it. If not, at least you learn the lesson not to take this path again.
I may yearn for a life of comforts, no boundaries, lead my life on my terms, not respect any society or traditional rules, focus only on self, have dreams of becoming someone of worth but not willing to work on achieving it, etc. I could be happy too. But will it bring a sense of peace, achievement and contentment? I do not know. With this lifestyle will I have lasting relationships? I do not know. Without any purpose, apart from enjoyment, will life be good? I do not know.