Her story? She said she has watched marriages on her paternal side being stormy to say the least. Both partners cannot stand the sight of each other but are willing to stay married. She could not understand this type of relationship.
On the other hand, the marriages on her maternal side are extremely happy ones. She likes being with these people.
Seeing the failed marriages, she feels afraid to commit herself. She feels she is also destined to have a failed marriage and pull on for society’s sake. She was filled with bitterness and frustration. What is the point of marrying if all you do is fight and can’t stand the sight of each other?
When children watch fighting and cold wars in their parent’s or close relatives’ marriages, then they do tend to be apprehensive about their future.
My cousin was resigned to getting married to a person addicted to alcohol and who would bounce her around the house just for kicks, because her father was a drunk, an abusive father and a husband, and most of her male relatives were alcoholics. She told me it is the fate of girls like her. But her fears were unfounded. She married her cousin, who is a gem of a person. They have a good marriage, have two sons and are happy in their own world. I am so happy for her.
Children do develop fears of marriage when they see their parents’ marriage fail. They feel that all marriages will be like that. Constant fights, abuses, violence are all expected to be there in their marriages also, and so they hesitate to marry. Many meekly submit like sacrificial lambs.
I wrote to my client that marriages do not break up by themselves. It is a sturdy institution, if nurtured well; otherwise it will develop cracks and soon crumble. It is the people in the marriage who make or break the marriage. They are fully responsible for its health.
If the people who are married do not take the responsibility for having a stable marriage, then they will be like two sides of a coin; they cannot face each other but are bound to be together! This is called existing, not having a healthy marriage.
The need for good understanding, acceptance, respect, adjustment and open communication channel, cannot be stressed often enough. I may sound like a stuck record, but all these ingredients are essential for a meaningful marriage.
If two people who are married cannot get along, it makes sense to part. They may find better-suited partners later, then why undergo the torture of living with a partner with whom there is little or nothing in common? They would be doing their children a big favor by separating and maintaining a good, healthy and respectable relationship when it comes to nurturing their children. They can come together where issues involving their children crop up. This will teach the children that it is all right for people to separate if they cannot live together, but they can remain good friends and be meaningful parents. The respect for each other is what is taught to the children.
All a good marriage requires is a little nurturing. If the fact that a marriage is for keeps is accepted, then people will automatically find ways to save it. Conflicts, stress, arguments, and irritations will arise. Be creative in handling them. Nothing is impossible if the will is there. Impatience, a tendency to stray and abuse are not conducive to a good successful marriage.
The role of humor is very important in a marriage. Spouses who laugh together, will weather any storm well. Laughter is a good binding force. Issues dissolve when you laugh, and soon the right perspective is re-established.
Rekindle the romance once in a while. This will always make things interesting, and the excitement will remain. Surprise each other with thoughtful or silly gifts and let your hair down once in a while.
A lonely life is not very interesting or appetizing. You miss out so much if you are alone. A companion who understands you perfectly well will make the remaining journey pleasant. When adversities are faced together, it is easier to avoid pitfalls.
Learn from the mistakes made in failed marriages, and learn from the positive factors that are there in successful marriages.