One young lady has written to say she is unable to decide whether to accept the proposal she has received. She sometimes finds the young man very loving, and at most times she finds him controlling. She has shown her displeasure at his attempts to control her, but he insists it is done out of love. She is unable to decide what to do.
Another lady has written to say she is unable to decide whether to go in for a divorce or not. She loves her husband, but feels he has not supported her in anything. He seems to want a yes person, and someone who toes his family’s line. She says he never stands up for her anywhere and does not emotionally support her. She feels a vacuum where her emotions are concerned. She has enough reasons to leave, but a few to remain, so she says.
Both these cases are putting pressure on the young women’s minds. They are going round and round and not finding a way out. They feel constricted and want to be free, but I guess they are afraid of being without any male support. They both are looking for a partner who will understand them, guide them and allow them to grow also. Are they being idealistic?
The only way they can see their problem in some perspective will be if they undertake cost benefit analysis. Here they can list down the points and when they visually see the chart, they will be able to get some clarity. Also this chart making will give them something different to occupy their mind with and their anxiety levels can come down. Right now both are anxious and are feeling the stress.
I suggested they do this analysis. On one side they can list out the advantages of staying in the relationship as well as the disadvantages. They can list down as many points as they want. Since it is their personal analysis, they need not worry their partner will feel offended. He need not see the list.
What will they gain by being in the relationship? Is it financial gain, social gain or just that there is someone in their lives? Are they gaining a companion? Do they love their partners? Will this love help them to get their partners to understand them better?
What will be the cost to them if they remain in the relationship? Will they feel constricted? Will they feel frustrated and unable to grow? Will they feel they have to give an explanation for any thing they want to do? Only his permission will give them the go ahead? Will they be unable to achieve their dreams and goals? Will they have to submerge their identity and self worth?
The next chart can be the cost benefit analysis for not having the relationship. What is the benefit of leaving the relationship? They will be free to decide what to do with their lives, they will not feel the boundaries tightening around them. Their feelings are respected and they need not accept any kind of restriction supposedly based on love. Their self worth and self esteem remains intact.
What will be the cost of leaving the relationship? Will they not get anyone else? Will they have to spend the rest of their lives alone? Will they lose the financial help and social support the relationship will give them? Will they have to ward off unwanted overtures now that they are single? Will the loss of love hurt them a lot?
When points are listed down under each category, the chart starts to look interesting. This analysis can be done for any issue that appears confusing. When you are unable to decide which path to choose, this analysis will throw clarity. In this analysis, as you jot down the points, the pattern starts to clear up.
You are basically putting down all that has been in your mind, which made things difficult. Seeing the chart visually, will also help to clear the clutter in your mind. You can have a better look, a few days after making the list. When you are jotting down, you will be surprised at the various points that are coming up. Those points buried inside will surface.
And when the analysis is confidential, you can jot down all that is bothering you. You do not have to pull any punches. You can list as you feel. The analysis will make things clear for you and you can take an informed decision. Everything is down in black and white and the result will stare you in the face.
The two ladies can decide whether to stay or leave. If they feel the advantages of staying far outweigh the disadvantages, then they can stay. They will have to rework on the relationship, let their partner know their unhappiness areas and hopefully work on them. Surely no one wants his/her partner to be unhappy?
But whether to stay or not, has to be a clear decision. Only when the ladies have clarity, will they willingly accept whatever decision they arrive at. They will take responsibility for the consequences because it is their decision.
This cost benefit analysis can be undertaken to decide on a professional course, a job, a relationship, project, any financial decisions like investments, etc. It is a useful tool and can be used when in doubt. If you are unable to do it alone, maybe you can seek professional help.